TW: Sexual Abuse, Victim Blaming
I am almost certain that I would not have been sexually abused if I hadn’t been asexual. I wouldn’t have been blindsided by the reality of sexual desire like I was, because I would have experienced it myself. I wouldn’t have been told I was a bad person for not wanting it ever, because I would have been able to say I did want it someday. I wouldn’t have felt abandoned by the people who expected me to have sexual desires when I didn’t, because I would have had them.
The way that asexuality fits into rape culture is incredibly damaging, and no one wants to talk about it because it makes the sexuals angry. If we talk about our experiences, then we’re “belittling” theirs. If we use our words, saying that what happened to us was essentially rape despite being pushed into say ‘yes’, we’re unfair to our partners.
And I am sick of it.
I am sick of sitting here and knowing that people like me are being abused because it’s okay to abuse them, and being told not to talk about their experiences because they’re too freaky to matter.
I don’t fucking care if asexuality is an “invisible” oppression, the invisibility is exactly what hurts us.
Damn right this post makes this sexysexual angry. Because being a sexysexual didn’t allow me to “not be blindsided by the reality of sexual desire” because oh idk I WAS A FUCKING CHILD.
And I am going to say this very clearly: Sexual abuse and rape culture does not discriminate. Being aware of “the reality of sexual desire” does not at all give someone a special shield with which to protect themselves from rapists and abusers. This is a deeply offensive statement that is very triggering and blaming towards non-asexual survivors of rape and abuse because it directly implies that by virtue of not being ace, we have some magical ability to avoid rape and abuse. WE DO NOT. Rape culture and misogyny affects everyone who is a woman or is perceived by others to be a woman because rape culture says that it’s OK for men to have access to our bodies. This is not unique to aces, and rape culture does not discriminate based on sexual orientation. Rapists and abusers may use language specific to our orientation and situation as justification to abuse us, but it is always a reflection of misogyny and an expression of this fundamental ideal that our bodies do not primarily belong to us.
Your statement furthers rape culture because it implies there is a way of being that protects one more from rape. It is inherently victim-blaming.
Go sit and think about what you said and how to never say it or imply it ever again. And while you’re at it, stop using the term “sexuals” to refer to non-aces, it’s triggering and offensive and incorrect and no doubt you’ve already read the reasons why yet continue to use it anyway, which is also by the way furthering and enabling rape culture.
Hooooooooooooooooly shit.
This is the most fucked up shit I’ve seen from an asexual in a really long time. I need brain bleach after reading this.
Firstly, ‘an asexual’? seriously it’s like saying ‘a gay’ we’re not some alien species. This is one of the reason I identify as queer mainly because of the shit deal asexual people get from everybody. The post is victim blaming which is not on at all, but a lot of the time being an non entity in terms of sexuality does make you think that if you were ‘normal’ there would be instances where you would say yes, and thus would not be assaulted. It’s a fucked up internalised misogynistic view, but we’re socialised to believe that people want sex all the time, and when you are so far removed from the perceived norm one does think that it may be your fault why these things happen. It’s damn hard to explain to people that you basically never want sex, it’s not valid; it’s seen as just being frigid or a prude.
I am in no way endorsing victim blaming language, but how does vilifying someone because of there sexuality get anyone anywhere??
okay but here’s what you’re missing: what I’ve bolded above from your post is not unique to asexuals. woman as a whole are socailized not to want sex, but to be available for it. we’re taught that this is our purpose. this is why so many survivors take a long time to name what happened to them as rape or assualt- because we’re taught that that’s what’s supposed to happen to us. this self-blame isn’t unique to asexuals. it is something experienced by women as a group. the denial that other people experience rape culture in the same ways is what’s pissing people off.
ugh that response above yours. like, the op was talking about coercive situations where they said “yes” when they didn’t want to anyway for starters so their example is irrelevant and both of them seem to miss the point that “sexual” people do this too because we do not want sex all the time. Do they seriously not think it’s possible for sexual people to be coerced into sex they don’t want to have or that is not pretty much an incredibly common experience for “sexual” women? Holy fuck I give up today.
The notion that asexuals experience “rape culture” differently than non-asexuals needs to stop right now, but instead it’s being touted on Feministe because the world sucks.
reblogged for critical commentary, obvs
Ok… I pretty much try to stay out of all the debates about asexuality because I am a very sexual person and therefore don’t know what it’s like to be asexual. I can empathize and do my best to understand what that must be like, but I won’t ever know what it’s truly like.
That said, holy shit, this is problematic.
It doesn’t matter if you’re sexual or asexual, neither person is “better prepared” to deal with the trauma of being sexually abused. That’s like saying… “Oh, you know about the good part of this. You know what it’s like to enjoy this. Surely, you must be able to better handle what it’s like to have something pleasurable and intimate twisted into something violent and hateful.”
No one is ready to deal with that.
Being pushed into sex by a partner, being coerced, saying “yes” even when you don’t really want — these things can happen to anyone, regardless of their gender/orientation/race/religion/anything.
Source: fivetail
